Of Pained Parents and Angry Adult Kids of my Generation

No-one is to blame; a proper support system is lacking

It is those we love that hurt us the most. The willingness to forgive is the ultimate test of love.

I once told the story of my life and my strained relationship with my father… Of how things were good until I came of age and realized that things were not always rosy. Of my parents’ strained marriage and eventual divorce and how it affected my life thereafter. Of the struggles I still live with to date. The fears I live with, now as a parent.

When I look around in my circles, I realize that the story is pretty much the same. The story of pained parents and their angry adult kids. Parents who feel that they were short-changed by their ex who got to keep the kids and turn them against them. Kids who are angry because they felt abandoned. Kids who are angry because they were forced to make it on their own because shit hit the fan. Kids who are angry because they became parents to kids they never sired or intended to adopt. Parents who have to live with the guilt and shame of abandoning their children. Parents who live with the pain of having to face old age alone, possibly miserable. Parents who realize too late, the consequences of their choices.

One wonders, “How did we get here? How did it come to this?”

For a very long time I was an angry adult kid of pained parents. I was angry at my father for many things, I would need a whole day to list them down. I needed someone to blame, so I blamed everything on him. I felt that his drinking led to his anger and a chain of a thousand more unfortunate events that left every member of my family in misery and shame.

Now that I am older, I know that I knew nothing. I find myself with the same frustrations he probably faced. I have made the bottle my friend at some point. The same bottle I loathed when in the hands of my sire. I worry. I break down. I constantly battle temptations of transferring my anger to others around me. Just like he did.

Now that I am older, I realize that no-one in particular was to blame. Everyone simply lacked a support system. My father comes from the generation of men who were supposed to man-up. Men who should never risk showing their tears. Tears are a sign of weakness, after all, aren’t they? On the other hand, my mother comes from the last generation of women who were supposed to be home-makers. Who had only two choices once they got into marriages—to stay or stay. In my community, a woman is referred to as ‘mutumia’, which roughly translates to ‘the silent one’, because she is meant to remain silent, persevere, make her husband happy and give her children a place to call home.

But.

Time changes, as it always does. A million words are left unspoken. A thousand battles are left unresolved. All hell breaks loose. Shit hits the fan. Anger is transferred. Misery is converted into violence. Old wounds are reopened for the umpteenth time. Families are broken. Lives are ruined. A new generation of angry, confused adults is born.

We can change this.

Let’s talk mental health.

Robert Kamaru

Robert is a freelance writer, blogger and e-preneur. He is interested in all issues mental health, lifestyle and online business.

You may also like...

25 Responses

  1. Tonniebull says:

    I enjoyed the read, its good to understand and make peace with your past.

  2. Maggie's DIY says:

    Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful insight and sharing – I wish more and more of us could read this – we could actually heal our society.

    Thank you for being gracious and open enough to share what the society prefers to be kept silent in the name of ‘get over it’ or ‘man up’ or ‘woman up’ or ‘it happens to everyone – big deal’. Talking about stuff is not ‘washing dirty linen in stuff’ it is our process to healing. Our mental health matters

    May we, and everyone else, find a channel that allows them to acknowledge and process their hurts towards their healing. No one should bear life all alone.

    Keep up this amazing niche. I am camping on your blog. It’s life. ? The kind of conversations we need to be having openly.

  3. Duncan Muya says:

    A very insightful read. I can fully relate and understand. By understanding I mean, I have been through it. I know the pain and confusion that comes with breakups. They roil the mind.

    • Robert Kamaru says:

      I’m glad you can relate. I hope you have found a way to find healing. Thank you very much for your input. Be sure to subscribe. 🙂

  4. Majid says:

    Very profound and deep stuff.

  5. Michael Kamau says:

    I really like your insights. Looking forward to more content

  6. Eddy says:

    Very true. Interesting thing is the way what we were wired to believe is OK actually is OK Ominous Killer. We must change this

  7. Wilson Mwangi says:

    Deep and very insightful. Good choice of words!

  8. Raphael says:

    Glad you can openly discuss this topic. Profound. Deep. Great piece.

    • Robert Kamaru says:

      Thanks, Raphael. My goal is to start the conversations most everyone would rather not have. 🙂 Important conversations that are long overdue in our progressive society.

  9. Boochy says:

    Amazing. It just felt like you are describing my life. I have/am going through this. People will judge without knowing what other people have gone/are going through. Thank you for this… waiting for part two on how to make peace…

    • Robert Kamaru says:

      I am glad you can relate. I hope you achieve absolute healing soon. If accessible, don’t hesitate to get professional help. All the best, Boochy. 🙂

  10. koemn says:

    Interesting…

  11. Mary Mwau says:

    This is a great piece. People are really suffering in silence n unable to speak out because they’re afraid the society will judge them.

    Thank you for telling it all. Waiting for the next piece to learn more.

  12. W. Wangari says:

    I am in awe. Thank you for speaking on my behalf and the behalf of a million others.

  13. Kare says:

    This is COURAGE in a mediocre world.I support you fully:Let’s talk mental health.